''Cinta tak di sini lagi, kau dahlah berpaling.''

Finally I got my way here.
I've been tried loading for this page for days.
I really wish to blog more,
but somehow,
this becomes a portion of the hardest part.

I think I'm not bored,
I'm just losing the greatest honourable human right of enjoying life.

I feel myself worse than a cancer patient.

For God sake,
is anyone out there understand how I feel ?!
No, I reckon.
Nobody, no one understands how exactly I feel.

I was bright, hyper, funny and positive.
Trust me, I tried to preserve them,
but not anymore.

I dunno if I've changed.
Most probably, yes, I have.
And is it permanently or temporarily,
I dunno.

Because when I get back home,
I feel alive, reborn again.

To my dear Holy readers,
I'm sorry but I have to tell.

In the unguided moment,
I'll ask myself,
why am I having no any religion?
How am I suppose to bring up my children in the future?
Like me ? Being free thought ?
And then call for no one help when in the helpless situation ?

The other time I think,
why not just approach the God,
maybe I will feel better ?

I'm from a so-called Buddist family,
why didn't I at least carry some smell from it?
I have many Christian friends,
why didn't I at least get a little influence ?

They say whatever hardship you come across,
is because The Almighty is testing you.
They say wherever you go, whatever you do is all destiny.
Because you'll perform the best, this is why you were made to be in the way.

I had awfully heart-frightened nightmare,
like a car crush happened years ago,
but still being recalled in the middle of night time.

And then I've finally settling down,
dealing with the profession I'm going to practise in the rest of myself,
several years more later.
I have a bunch of truest friends,
whom I sometimes don't understand..
Why aren't we blood-related ??
I have a loving boyfriend and
my parents, my brother are doing good.

What else I should ask for ?
Why am I being so unhappy after all these ?

'' Because they're all far away from you,
you have no one here.
You aren't being bored,
you're just lonely, my dear. ''

The other day, a voice told me these.
I dunno it was an angel or a devil.
For all I know,
they are so true.
I'm all alone.

Biarkan aku menjaga perasaan ini;
Hze